Feeling sad and fat at two a.m.

It's late, almost two a.m. and I should have been asleep hours ago. It's time like these I crave all that stuff that's bad for me. This is when I want a cigarette, a drink, junk food; and I sit up and just writhe with disatifaction. I feel trapped in my body. I have a vision in my mind of what I look like and when mirrors come into view I am always dissapointed. Like my mind has this false sense of confidence. I swear I was hot once. I have these memories of being a person people stopped to look at, and I guess those memories expanded into vanity. Now I'm just fat. I have this really cool birth mark on my belly that I used to love showing people. No hesitation or shame, I'd just lift my shirt and show it to people. But nowadays I'd be too embarrassed to show it to someone I'm close too. I feel a little less valuable as I gain the weight. I gained two lbs this week. It was a hard, hard thing to hear. And maybe in the morning I'll feel motivated, but right now, in my still and quiet home I feel sad. And hungry. I look at photos of myself from a few years ago at times like these. I see how skinny I was. I know I can be there again. But in the mean time, am I just going to be a little sad? I think so. It's a sad process! I'm choosing to be a different version of myself because the old one wasn't good enough. I think I'll take a bath to try and get sleepy.